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 of men and women,, + CAITLYN
viktor aldridge
 Posted: Nov 17 2014, 10:10 PM
viktor aldridge is Offline.
orlando, fl
4 posts

the walls are closing in around you
You'll never amount to anything....

It wasn't so much the words as it was the look in his eyes when it was said that mattered, but who it had been coming from. A trip down memory lane was a constant reminder of how much of a failure he was. To be continually reminded that he's a low life, that he won't make it far, that he is a complete waste of time, is as agonizing as it is his past. And certainly, to live through the unpleasant images he's evoked of this twenty-two year old child, he eventually had to come to the terms of things. The first step of recovery is admittance after all, right? The second process, believing that a power greater than ones self could restore them to sanity, had been accomplished six years ago. At fifteen, he accepted that he would never benefit his family, in as much as in life. The process of admitting that he was a waste of time was quick, as was the next: finding something more powerful than himself to restore him to sanity. Some sort of sanity, anyway, although not entirely sane.

Being introduced to the best vodka he'd ever tasted and the best weed he'd ever had was probably the best thing that had ever happened to him. It was the odorless, tasteless, and sweet burning sensation of Everclear mixed with the tart-taste of a blunts end that ignited a change in his life. Because unlike the unwelcoming embrace from a man who he undeniably couldn't help but to look up to, they both welcomed him in so graciously. Those few hours of skewed judgment had made an ever-lasting impression. In those hours he wasn't the teenage kid angered by neglect, he no longer resented the man in the mirror, he felt invulnerable. He'd taught himself how to want for nothing, to need nothing.

I wish you would just grow up...

He'd say. Grow up how? If getting into bars and downing whatever drink the bartender could fetch up doesn't fit the description, then what does? Allowing parents to make choices for their children because the child's option isn't what they consider vital? Because wanting to play outside with friends rather than watching his father perform redundant procedures at ten years old was ridiculous? Because deciding to make enough money as an independent before taking off for school wasn't logical? What does it mean when they say "grow up" then?

The life he lived was no different than similar men growing up in confusion, or anyone for that matter. Everyone finds something as a coping mechanism, everyone does something, even if it's nothing at all. Because doing nothing is doing something. Why not give credit to those who do nothing and simply give up on life? Giving up isn't as easy as it sounds and Viktor, could attest to that, since he'd tried. Since he'd been there before. And because waking up one morning from alcohol poisoning to see his raging father wasn't exactly doing nothing. Can you imagine how dedicated you have to be to engulf drink after drink until you're knocked unconscious as an adolescent? The most thrilling of experiences in his life had, had to be knowing that he was so close to death. Hearing the doctor confirm the possibility of his family finding their son lying cold at some local bar downtown, Miami should have been a wake up call. Only, he'd wished whoever called for an ambulance hadn't. That resulted in being ridiculed for the two hour drive from Miami back home to Orlando listening to that repetitive "you're immature and your behavior is preposterous" rant over and over again.

And it continued until finally he received

.... I don't care what you do, as long as it doesn't involve seeing your face again... And don't expect me to wish you well...

"Can I get a shot of the strongest drink you have and a glass of Samuel Adams," Viktor requested while welcoming himself to the bar. Now usually, he'd order several glasses of whatever alcoholic beverages the bartender had, which varied greatly. He'd had everything from whiskey to vodka. Today, unlike most days, he didn't intend on getting drunk. A slight buzz was enough to keep him alive. Not that a shot and one glass of beer would do too much of anything though. Leaving his tab open, as usual, he thanked the host after receiving his drinks. First, he threw back the shot, and then he took one long gulp from the ice cold glass of beer.

Sitting alone a few seats away from occupied bar stools, Viktor couldn't help but to overhear the conversation shared between two women. This was the best place to keep up with gossip now-a-days, as any bar was, and Viktor was a champion of staying up-to-par even when out of the loop. Swiping icons on his screen with his index finger or tapping in and out of random apps made him look productive. He'd smirk too, only because something said was funny, or because he wanted to give them the impression that he was laughing at something on his phone, not that he'd been eavesdropping.

One glass down, the bartender approached again, asking if he wanted another and he did not object. A shadow greets his left side and after taking one look at the person, he decided to "make that two". Placing both drinks on his tab, he slid one glass to the person who joined him, and drank from his own. "Looked like you could use a cold one, you're welcome." He smiles warmly.

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thanks melissa
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